HopeK429

WOMAN SHOT IN THE HEAD Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of Minnesota, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby super-market to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the car running and the windows rolled up. Her eyes closed with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay; Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour (at least it seemed that way to her, it actually had been 15 minutes, she blamed the inability to tell time on her head injury).The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to move her hands. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. From the back seat a biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. Linda is blonde, a Democrat, and a Biden supporter; but that could all be a coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and it was determined to be Trump's fault.~~ If you read all of this you have been cooped up in your house to long. You need to get some sunshine.~~ If you laughed, like I did, share with your friends.

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!" So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last ! night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone! I'm married!" Self-induced hangover -- $100.00
Broken furniture -- $2,000.00
Breakfast -- $10.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk -- PRICELESS !

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION- 5 MILES. Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and a nun answers the door in a long black habit, who asks "What may we do for you, my son? ""I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then got through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nuns tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go In Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters Of Mercy."

A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office in Winter Haven Florida. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, Will you watch us have sexual intercourse? "The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out? "The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.

I don’t do New Years RESOLUTIONS… why?! Because I’m a realist … I believe that ANY moment you can’t say “hey I’m doing something different” it doesn’t have to be a new year...a new week…or a new day… at any moment in time YOU can change YOUR path!! Make any time or any day your NEW!! With that being said we all have a new chapter in life ahead of us,,,
2022 was insanity at its finest for me! I always end the year with “whew next year is my year” but we will always have trials & turbulence…. Just roll with it…learn from it…. & in the end I hope you have a giggle or two because none of us make it out of this thing called life alive in the end. My biggest accomplishment this year wasn’t
material things money or anything of the nature, it was letting go of a past that had consumed my daily life for far too long, as long as we let others invade our peace they win, and I decided I am the winner not them,,, Everything DOES HAPPEN for a reason …cherish those reasons because they all come together in the end. You are never too old to let go of things or start new & it doesn’t have to be a ”new year” it can be any one of the 365 days of the year :)
2023 so happens to be taking me to somewhere I’ve never been before or even dreamed of but I’m welcoming it with an open mind and if it fails … well that’s okay too , Life's full of failures that make our successes even more rewarding,, If it fails at least I tried, and then again If it succeeds then that’s great too! One thing about me is - I always roll with it & have a joke or two along the way! I’m blessed. I’m not perfect. I hope all of us have a great year!!
I’m a little late on sending a Happy New Year Covid has had control for the last 3 weeks ,,,So with all that being said -
I hope you all have an amazing 2023!!